Compared with the older generation, contemporary couples are more and more reluctant to compromise. According to the survey report of the Ministry of civil affairs, in 2018, there were 10.108 million couples registered for marriage, 3.801 million couples registered for divorce.
Let's imagine that there is a perfect couple in the world. Let's imagine that we can find a person who we love deeply enough to meet each other's needs effortlessly, from intellectual communication to intimacy, from eating habits to hobbies, and keep a perfect relationship with this person for the rest of our lives.
However, everyone has their own subtle uniqueness, very few two people can match seamlessly in all situations. It's not everyone's fault to feel aggrieved in an emotional relationship. Perhaps, in the final analysis, it's the problem with our conception of partnership.
Dr. Jack Morin, a psychologist, once gave a "erotic formula" in "erotic brain" (1995): attraction + hindrance = excitement. One of the essential conditions for lust is the spiritual and / or geographical distance between oneself and the object.
心理学家杰克·莫林博士曾在《情欲大脑》（1995）里给出一条“情欲公式”：吸引 + 阻碍 = 兴奋。情欲产生的必不可少的条件之一，是自己与对象之间精神上的和/或地理上的距离。
Dr. Maureen added that as the intimacy, familiarity and comfort of a relationship increase, the passion and sexual attraction between partners fade. From this point of view, but also to witness each other trivial daily, but also between each other in emotional and physical continue to have a strong desire, this is a romantic too good wish.
In fact, hundreds of years ago, marriage and love were not related.
In 1653, Li Yu of the Qing Dynasty asked Qi Fu Chen to say in his legendary play kite mistake: "since ancient times," marry a wife, marry virtue, marry a concubine, marry color. "If you marry in the door, if you are really poor in appearance, who dares to stop you from marrying again
Marriage at that time was not a symbol of their voluntary union. The woman is just a practical thing that the man "marries" -- practical virtue and practical beauty. The man's own power has constituted all the conditions of "marriage", and others accept his "marriage" not because they love him, but because they dare not provoke him.
In the 1740s, the French king famously liked to open his mistress. Although love was a recognized factor between the king and his mistresses, it was not a necessary condition for the king and the queen to marry.
At that time, people thought that marriage was for future generations and inheritance, while love was for stimulation and entertainment. One could get married for the national interest and have several lovers at the same time. The king made his romantic relationship public and arranged it as orderly as his marriage.
The combination of love and marriage is a heroic invention of modern people.
At the end of the 18th century and the beginning of the 19th century, the western bourgeoisie began to try to combine the pleasant things with the necessary things. They proposed that there was no inherent contradiction between the passion based on instinct and the pragmatic need to raise children in the family unit. Therefore, romance can or should even occur in marriage.
In 1813 in England, Jane Austen described a subversive scene of marriage proposal in her latest novel: the handsome and rich Darcy proposed to Elizabeth, and the Elizabeth family had four unmarried daughters to support. The proposal that she had agreed to Darcy would obviously help her solve the problem of survival, but Elizabeth refused, because Darcy was arrogant.
This plot shows that a new idea is spreading in British Society: love has become one of the necessary conditions for marriage. In fact, Austin herself rejected a proposal 11 years ago, saying, "nothing is more intolerable than a loveless marriage."
Around the end of the northern expedition in the 1930s, "love and marriage" gradually became popular in China.
Zhang Ailing's love in a fallen city (1943) reflects the era of coexistence of old and new marriage concepts: Bai Liusu, the heroine who grew up in an old family, has an insight that fan Liuyuan, the hero who came back from studying abroad, is "particular about spiritual love".
However, fan Liuyuan finds that Bai Liusu just wants to marry him but doesn't love him, so she says, "I don't need to spend money to marry someone who has no feelings for me I. That's not fair. " However, it is difficult to maintain a long-term passionate spiritual love. Classic love stories often end abruptly before and after the protagonist gets married.
But it was during their long time together that those annoying little things formed the real life. If we have the courage to admit and take on the tedious and even contradictory things that are inevitable in a long-term relationship, we may be more considerate of our partner and ourselves, and more tolerant of the definition of normal relationship.
Imagine if we believed in realistic observation at first, rather than romantic fantasy.
For example, a partner doesn't give us everything we need for a lifetime.
For example, we probably won't live in a big palace, but we will live in a small apartment with our clients, work full-time, and raise children in all kinds of setbacks.
For example, it's normal to feel unhappy in a relationship, and it's really strange to have the artificial rule that "you deserve to be happy with these things.". Bearing the truth of life, we don't have to be angry with our partner or feel ashamed of ourselves for not being able to live in the legendary ideal partnership.
Compromise is not always cowardly. It probably comes from a mature, realistic understanding of life: in many cases, there are no perfect options at all.
On the other hand, refusing to compromise is not necessarily the embodiment of foresight. If romance and perfectionism reach the point of being impatient with one's lover, then this so-called ideal partnership is probably just a cover for one's selfishness, arrogance and cruelty. Isn't it worth laughing at, but it's also worth cultivating a perfect companion?
Compromise contains that we accept ourselves as human individuals limited by gene and environment. We are flawed in character and can't be perfectly integrated with another individual forever; we are not completely rational in behavior and can't have nothing to regret forever.
Life on earth is miserable. In the 11th century, Qin Guan of the Song Dynasty expressed his feelings on the legend of the annual gathering of Cowherd and Weaver Girl: "the fine clouds are skillful, the flying stars spread hatred, and the silver Han Dynasty is far away. Once the golden wind and the jade dew meet, they will win the world countless. "
In the autumn night of gold and jade, a lover's brief meeting across the Milky way has surpassed countless ordinary days in the world.
In other words, the perfect experience of love is always fleeting, and plain, need a strong tolerance to endure the plain, is long. Compromise lovers are not the enemies of romantic love. In fact, they understand the essence of long-term partnership early.