这些话的意思与你的原意恰恰相反，但只有情绪敏感的人才知个中缘由。这种话最伤人："我懂你的感受。"你的确想帮忙。但是，类似的这种话非但不会拉近你们的距离，反而会在你和他人之间建立一堵墙。
They mean the exact opposite of what you think. But only emotionally intelligent people understand why. The words hit me like a hurricane: "I know how you feel." You want to help. Yet, rather than creating a connection, "I know how you feel" and other phrases like it build a wall between you and the other person.
这句话表明你并未完全理解对方的感受。（真的，你怎么会理解？）这表明，你觉得有必要谈谈自己的经历，而非他或她的，其实最终你根本就不关心对方的感受。换言之，这些话所表达的信息与你的本意完全相反。所以千万别说"我懂你。"你应该做这些事。
The phrase suggests that you don't truly understand what the other person feels at all. (Really, how could you?) It suggests that you feel the need to turn the conversation toward your experience, not his or hers, and that ultimately you don't really care about that person's concerns after all. In other words, this phrase sends a message that's 100 percent the opposite of what you intend. So don't say, "I know how you feel." Here's what to do instead.
1. "我的老板不尊重我。"
1. "My boss doesn't respect me."
抢话题式回应："我去年也经历了这样的事情。最后离职了，找了份更好的工作。"
Shift response: "I went through the exact same thing last year. I wound up leaving and finding a better job."
支持性的回应："听到这种事我很难过，你现在怎么想的？"
Support response: "I'm sorry to hear that. What makes you feel that way?"
2. "如果我可以做到井然有序，世界就尽在我的掌控之中。"
2. "If I could just get organized, I'd have the world on a string."
抢话题式回应："我知道--我跟你有一样的毛病。"
Shift response: "I know--I have the same problem."
支持性回应："你觉得导致你杂乱无章的原因是什么？"
Support response: "What do you think stops you from being organized?"
3. "分手后我很难过。"
3. "I'm so sad since my breakup."
抢话题式回应："你只需要从这段感情中走出来，开始约会。"
Shift response: "You just need to get back out there and start dating again."
支持性回应："生活还得继续，你觉得你为什么会这样？"
Support response: "What do you think stops you from being able to move forward?"
有些人本意是好的，但他们谈着谈着就说到了自己，德伯将这个现象，至少一部分，称作"会话式自恋。"
Derber calls the whole phenomenon, at least the part in which well-meaning people shift the discussion to their own experience, "conversational narcissism."
"我能想象到……"
"I can imagine..."
正如贾斯汀在书中所写，成功利用情商进行有效沟通需要避免以下几句话：
As Justin puts it in his book, the successful strategy to communicate effectively and leverage emotional intelligence requires avoiding phrases like these:
"我懂你的感受。"
"I know exactly how you feel."
"我也经历过。"
"I've been through this before."
"我完全懂你，或者我明白。"
"I completely understand; or, I get it."
相反，你可以说以下这些话：
And replacing them instead with things like the following:
"抱歉发生了这种事。"
"I'm sorry that happened."
"我能想象你的感受。"
"I can imagine how you may feel."
"谢谢你的分享，再多说一些吧。"
"Thanks for sharing this. Tell me more."